The Initial M.N

Here a lil' bit about him. He's actually my ex-boyfriend. I cheated behind him. I was so dumb back then. It was like pre-culture shock thing. HA HA HA Look,the main point is, i wanna say sorry towards him after what i have done towards him back then. He was in form 1 and i was in form 3. What to be shame of? Love doesn't count age. I don't care how old he is. What i know is that i love him. End of the story. The funny thing is that he sounds like a kid, he act like a kid, he's sensitive and what differentiate him and me is that he's advance everything than me. That i can be embarrassed about. What do girls say about boys? He make my heart melt. He's doing it with me. He's so awkward in every way but every cloud have their silver lining do they? So do him. Everything he do or so whatever sure do make me laugh. Because he look so cute and adorable. He look so comfy and safe. The important is if search for name in Facebook, the first name will come out is his name. The picture i'm looking the first thing in the morning is him, wearing his necklace. If can, i wanna do everything with him not without him. Like in the movie 'Its Love. Legend of the White Snake' The woman say to this man that has nothing no money no looks 'If we always be together, i don't know what suffering' and there's a song. The lyrics say 'I vow to live only for you' All i wanted is to be with him not far across the universe without him. I know he's young but i have to take the risk do i? Not now, but someday someone that we loved now gonna leave you, right? It's everyone saying it to be. I have to take the chance. He's young and there's a lot of hot young girls he can choose from. All i can do is enjoy the moment that i can spent with him. Seriously, he sure make me taken somewhere somehow. I'm glad you came 

START WITH A CRY

i know something is wrong. HAHAHA. nice. a text from andy 1.35 am

andy : You pun clubbing ka ? Im w him now. So friendly ho

me (5.02 am) : who pegi clubbing?

kakya, aku alert dgan phone. ku x alah2 pike hal ya. ku dah nyumpah andy. *cibai fuck semua la. the there's call. the number looks for damn familiar. guess what! HIS M-0-T-H-E-R called me like 6.30 AM. 

mak : hello.

me : hello.
mak : tauk sapa tok ka? *sora kdk bgong

me : x tauk.
mak : tok mak nasir.
me : ou. okay. *huh?

mak : tauk cne nasir?
me : x tauk. mek pike nya d rumah mlam tdik.
mak : nya xda dgan ktak ka mlam tdik?

me : xda.

mak : nya dri malam tdik xda balit dri rumah. 

me : -_____________________________-

mak : last tak jumpa nya blia? 

me : time skolah jak. kakya xda gik jumpa.

mak : nya slalu kluar dgan spa?

me : slalu mun sal fixie, ayum. *otak blank

mak : forward num cdak ya lok.

me : mek xda num nya. em, lak mek cuba kol kol nya. lak mek cuba crik num kwn nya k?

mak : kmk udah kol nya dri malam tdik. xda ans2. *bunyi nangis

me : mek cuba crik nya. *ngis mode

mak : okay. makseh.

op tepon. prasaan marah. about 6.55 am i called andy.

me : u pegi balcony mlam tdik?

andy : yes. why?

me : u tauk cne him now?

andy : no. i followed him last night smpe area balcony. i didn't touch him.

me : ugh! *ngis balit

andy : it's ur boyfriend. u should know.

me : i don't care about him. what i care is that is mom crik and she's crying.

andy : why do u care about her?

me : *fuck la andy

andy : ada mata2 kat cia. he bg brang to my friend. 

me : *now i'm speechless* ugh! fuck. thank you andy.

that's how i start my day. with a cry and with a shocking news. YEAY! i'm loving it. it's so fun.  

NOT DUMB NEITHER STUPID

maybe it was my fault or maybe it was their fault. what i know i what i wrote here. texting with nasir and the mirul called. i ask what the heck is happening. this is what he answer me and what i heard very loud and clear. THAT WAS AN ACT! well, bravo to them. is was very convincing. yes, i cried. fucked to those that are perfectly helpful to the break up scene. yes! i'm so lovin' it and i wanna do it again. pfftt! 

IS MY FEELING BEING COUNT?

how? what? why? always be a questions in my head. why i can't be happy for just a moment. i'm superb happy when acey ask for return. super fucking happy. and accurately 3.00 pm he let me go. AGAIN! why? only GOD knows why. bia jak. he do the right thing. he fight with his own friend. paham paham jak. okay? wanna know how FOR GOD'S SAKE my FUCKING feeling? first, in my head i was like yeay! his mine again. then, this thing ruined. and NOOO! his not mine again. for this few days, if someone give me sedozen cigarette i surely can finish this one whole day. i was like so fucking stress out and my thought killing someone for my pleasure. HAHAHA. i curse or i swear to someone not gonna worth. i wish my cousin here right here right now take me go someone that really calms me down. this whole messed just fucked up. i need to kill someone now. hit someone very hard until my anger gone and my problem solve. i was like so fucked up! jeez! GO TO HELL! I WISH I NEVER KNOW WHAT THE HECK LOVE IS & WHAT BOYFRIEND USED FOR! GO FUCKING STRAIGHT TO HELL!

MY HEART BELONGS TO YOU

pffftttt. haha. lame title ya. madefak. HAHA. mcm tok jak la. pendek crita. ku syang nya. bena2 ku syang nya. i made a wrong judgement about him. and it's my fucking fault. aku buat hal kecik jadi besar besar. bodo kan? bia jak la. ku tauk aku buat silap, aku mtak maap. good night. it has been tearing day. 

SADNESS COVER UP THE HAPPINESS

i love this one guy, mohammad nasiruddin. i know his form 3, but i think he's older than me. what i'm trying to say that, he's my favorite. my old time favorite. like he said, when he turn back with his ex it doesn't last. same for me. but him? what the fuck. why it must be him? why he's the one i cried just because i couldn't go with him watch only a movie. fuck. the guilt inside me when i see his face, like ugh! i know it's lame thing to say but it's the truth. i couldn't text him because i run out of idea how to persuade him. and, out of nowhere. i ask for break up. stupid kan? i know. i'm more stupid than i ever think off. hey, i'm only stupid because of him. when i'm with him, i'd love to his smile. because, when he smile there's sparkle and i know he's happy. i fucked up his day. i know. it just suck when you got family and your boyfriend need you there and the same time. it suck because i know at that time i have to hurt someone and that's him. i know it's stupid to say such dumbest word ever. fuck! it just, i run out my words. what i wanna say, please come back and forgive me. i'm lonely without you and i love you. *fuckk fuck fuck. meracau. sayang awak. dga lagu she's gone. fuck fuck. ngam juak lagu ya. aek mata gugok. HAHA*

TURNED

let this lyrics shows how am i feeling. ;(

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
Chris Medina What Are Words lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/chris-medina-what-are-words-lyrics.html

And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

HARI RAYA STORIES

On the first day of raya, my mood for celebrating this holly ceremony is officially gone. It is because of my sister. i don't what the heck is happen towards her that morning. her face like so annoying making my parent mad. like super mad. after, i try to break that scene. i do something like fun, i don't know.it just blurp. how you feel when only one of you spoil the mood and the rest take the blame. what my mother know is what my sister thinks. And this morning proves that she only know one head thinking. my sister that is. It just sucks when after raya, the school begins. i don't even ask for money, i just ask for happiness. i don't give a damn if people give money or didn't. i just i could bet all the stuff that i had for now trade with my family happiness. I couldn't do such that stuff. yes, sometimes i woke up late. i'm sorry if today i wake up late. it doesn't mean my friends is my number one priority. it just make me feel that my parent forget who i was and what i am. what they know is my sister. ;(

MOHAMMAD NASIRUDDIN

My favorite ;)

ALWAYS

you were rough,

you were tough,

you were sweet,

you were nice, but; 

every nice thing people do,

there's a bad coming in your way. 

i just wanna say that,

every breath i take is second chance,

Thanks to God, 

i met you.

for the record,

I always yours.

every love, 

there's a pain, scars;

but, the beautiful about love is that you experience how to be love and how to loved someone better. 

CRYING OVER PAST

sometimes when you feel like even though you just in a relationship for one month, you feels like 'ugh! sayang bena ku eh!' stuff like that is now how i feel towards him. i love him and my words sometimes crap. i don't know why or what the heck happening that evening. i just cried. hahaha. look, crying over past means that i flash back the time i was cheating behind you. and i know it's my mistake. i promise i won't do it again. but, i just scared. if, just if, only if . the moment i step out off the school property, then our relationship is over. i just scared that what goes around comes back around. for now, what i know is that i love you. i don't why or what you did to me. i really don't. it just, being with you is so much fun. like too much fun the feeling getting stronger and the negative thought gonna take over. whenever i think about it tear drops. i just don't know how to handle it the feeling getting much much stronger and problem step in. ugh! i know it's a stupid thing to think. it just, when i look your face the flash back step in. ugh! HAMSTER! perlu ka time tok. bongok x abis abis. bengong ba. jeez! --' i'm not ready to let you go yet. it just, not about the age. or maybe it is. malas mok pike gik. makin d pike, mok ngis. gik tgah tulis tok ndah asa nak nangis! haish. pelik pelik olah. humph! what past let it stay pass. i always say that but truthfully and honestly being w you is so much fun and the feeling  is getting too much strong. it just too much. i love being w you i love you. childish. ;(

SCHOOL STORY

i heard a lot from other student about the school. not just my school but every where school. i wrote this not to humiliate the teachers or the government. what i wrote is what i heard. from what i know, a student accidentally sleeping during her/his class. BUT, there's a but; there's others sleeping with a first warning. the teacher warned this student only once. how the teacher wake this student up? maybe the teacher hit the student head making this student migrain. hey, getting migrain is very serious, it effect the brain. let's go to the point. the teacher ask this particular student to met her/him at the wannabe P-R-I-N-C-I-P-A-L. so, the student went to the wannabe office. the teacher, as a educator they should be like more honest and not so picking when it comes to student with different races, right. so, the teacher made up story to the wannabe saying that she/he gave this student 3 times warning which is never in the student history. yea, the student got the first warning. only first. why only this particular student went to the office while there's others sleeping beside this student. the weirdest thing is, because of this student sleeping and the teacher made-up-story, the student gonna be expelled. first time in my history i heard if student sleeping in the class must be expelled from the school. i was like, RIGHT. they must be joking. but no. i'm sorry to say this but if there's no educator the student gonna be so stupid, right? but how, the student is already stupid mix with stupid teacher? WE MUST BE SO DUMB having such kind of educator. there's a song directly to teachers tell us to appreciate them. how we student thank some teacher that really don't respect us and how you want the student to learn if some teachers seems like to be racist. the government and the prime minister really want the next generation be intelligent and genius also giving the next generation a high hope. actually, the principal didn't act like some teachers acting the school is in their hand and they can easily made up rules. some teachers is very good and this particular teachers should be the one that student thanks for being such good educator. and the other, just the name. if scale 1-10 for the teachers in the school. i give 1. why? only a few teachers that really treat the student well. A FEW actually. not all. some teacher racist, some teacher just take the name, some teacher is so proud to be like an educator like so whatever. even though i'm only 17, i see the world through teachers actually. if i only lived with the teachers, some are spoil brat some just don't care about the student and only think about the payment they got. sometimes, some teachers is acting way more worst than the student can ever think of. the student bad-ass, people out there can see. but when it came about teachers, no one know and blame it on the students.

good-bye

when you love some, when you hug someone that you really love. you just wanna hold it forever and not letting him go. but the fact it, the more you wanted him to stay. he actually gonna leave you. say goodbye to him or her is the hardest part when you know he once to be yours. you can say that he's yours forever with a smile on your face. now, even smile and say your name is the painful thing to do. when you know, he is not yours and what came out from our month only for a moment. for now, giving my love back to someone that i really love. i wondered if the love will last. even you hug him it still nothing. anything else, i'm sorry i make you cry. i'm sorry make all the tears drop. when you really love someone, sometimes even though it really pain in the ass to do. you just have to let him or her go. if you really do love someone, sacrifice your love for their happiness. the hardest fact is when you know and it is reality we are not good enough to be with someone we care. nothing gonna work out even you tried badly. i'm glad you are now happier than before. 

DON'T JUDGE A PERSON BY THE LOOKS THEY HAD

well, usually people sees me like i'm some kind bad teenage bad-ass attitude. i was like, huh? do you even know me before you even say such words? let me just say, you have been teaching for many years now? i know its your job to teach people. but don't you dare to humiliate me in front of people. since today. i lost my respect towards you teacher. you have words, but you didn't know where to use it. let me teach you how. if your really care about us student, don't humiliate me. i don't freaking care what you wanna think. you a teacher am i right? ustat prebet. pfffttt. look. if you really do care, if you wanna advice me. talk to me face to face alone-ah. understand teacher? i know its your job. but why me you really cared the most. as if i'm the only girl that smoke. why you x tego the others and humiliate them? why it must be me? look teacher, if you really wanna advice me, ask me what the heck is my problem with the smokes. first of all, i got many problem on my shoulder and i don't wanna ask anymore problem. i had enough teacher. second, everyone around me s-moke-ah. the people in the class will underestimate me and i can't handle with the pressure. the symptoms i had is i always get this i don't know what. wanna be heart attack i guess. haha. look, i don't care about my health thats why i smoke i stop for now. if something gets in my way, i start again. something like you teacher. thanks for the info. i'm shorter that the others because its me not because of the smoking habit.

STUPIDITY

it's a war! i declare a war between us. haha. i'm just kidding dude. look, i know you are fan of my blog. *perasan. if you are reading this, read this slowly. i done and i had enough with you attitude. who the fuck you are to sell me out. fuck you la. you, first of all. i already ask for forgiveness and this is how you repay me back. you do you think you are? GOD? fuck. use the fucking brain to think. think what have you done shit face. i'm here keep myself quite not to tell sell you out while you wao! you are having fun take a revenge on my huh? read this slowly mister. i don't care who the fuck you are. my friend's friend, all i want is stop selling me out dude. i had enough of you. i know, it's all from my mistake. and i know, it really sucks to be in your place. dude, you ain't that desperate. you haven't done anything that may regret you yet. get a life. when people giving advice to you, accept it learn it, love it like it and most important is LIVE WITH IT. don't just nod. hear from both sides then you have your guts chance to have a voice. don't just blew it up. who do you think you are? because of last mistake, you wanna take a revenge on me. look dude, do anyhow, whatever you want. i won't stop haunting you unless you stop selling my dignity around. shit-face. the main thing is, G-E-T-A-L-I-F-E! i'm having one here. people with a scar can start a new life. it just a beginning dude. how if you that the rough-nest time your had never think of. dude, people that drink won't telling around that you are drinker. even me, i  had one shot alcoholic drink. do you see me telling people around that me used to drink. no right. so, stop being someone else and just be your fucking self. you better side. people can change dude. you just have to choose between you wanna be some bad-ass guy or a good guy. think before you say, think before you selling me out. i'm running out of my freaking patient here. halloo! stop pretending. even i know you for a while. i know people that your friend see everyday is not the real you. the real you isn't like this. i'm sorry again. stop and live a life start a journey. 

hard to believe, it's a fact.

i read my blog that i wrote about you. i wrote ' i will cherish every moment and bla2' right. it just stayed there. i remembered one little thing. don't even talk about sin when you do one. don't talk about religion when you not sure about shit ijan. you say cousins can marry each other, fuck you la. look, if i'm that desperate, i won't looking for you shit face. jeez, about religion you just think la. not with the book. and only fact we learn through book. even my agama sucks, i can think la. i do what the hell i want, i write what ever i like. read my title shit face. MY STORY, MY LIFE. you are not the one that i'm depending to. sucks for you. you can't control me. haha. DON'T YOU EVEN TALK ABOUT RELIGION OR SIN when you don't know shit. penuh kan ilmu d dada dlok k encik abang. papai L O S E R!

tuesday, 19.05.2011.  almost the happiest day ever and only one ruined my perfect day with my friends. you know how if people that you know seems like trying to get away or like avoiding form seeing  you. at the end, you grieving and flash back what you had done to that particular person. well today, i wanna talk about this person this evening. it sucks when the early morning he treats you very well and at the afternoon he seems different. i ask him to join us hanging with us, he just say he not use hanging with us? i was like, whatever lah. kecik hati la nak? people dah bawak u lepak, then u gik pdh x biasa lepak d lua. we ur friends am i right? then suddenly nya pdh gia. at that time, kecik hati brabis nangis pun ada time. nvmn la. chill jak la. mbak besabar kata org. hehe. until when? haish. xda mood lalu kakya. pening palak gik, olah nya gik. --' standard la people treat you that way.

Persatuan Kadet Bersatu Malaysia Darat

aku siyok giler time aku kat kem. aku tak pernah raasa mcm tu sgat. even though bjauhan dgan org yg tsayang, aku happy sgat. 4 hari kat kem oya, sibu tak ckup. mula2 kta org dtang, makanan dior, ya rabbi. siyap ada ulat. nang nyaman asa. ckap ttang bilit pulak. aek takde pulak! haha. ada ya x smpat, tak mndik. yg smpat mndi. mula2 tido, kna kacau benda. aku dgan room mate aku sedap betui tidur. haha

yana, zaty and me! 

amirul and awang. gmba laki pkbm tok jak ku pgg. before brangkat balit miri. hitam kan? haha xD

aku n pia. smpat gik bgmba kat lapang sasar, sibu ;)

casx pake tudung ;) kiut kan? hehe

kat dewan oya. hehe. ;)

mekorg semua temasuk dgan abg hazami. kembar yana mekorg nunggah. hahaha;D

semua itam dah kulit. haha. tang gg jak nmpk. haha

before bpisah dgan bapak. ;(

mekorg kat batu smpang niah mun x salah. bpisah dgan bapak time ya. muka bok lekak ngis bgmba2. hahaxD

p/s : aku K L M J bah. sumpah ku rasa nak ngis nga gmba tok. i cry for them, i laugh with them, i hang out w them. now, its my last year. hard for me to let them go. ;(

love for me is like you drink a glass of wine or other alcohol. when your first time drinking that stuff, u feel like bitter and hot at your throat. but when you really use to drink that stuff, you become some kind of addicted i guess and also that bitter hot at your throat gone. well, you realize it or not to learn about getting through this life you have to do some mistake. not really huge kind of mistake, just mistake people usually have. culture shock. when you use to your life that is hard and some times you like giving up on your life and you feels like nothing can change your mind. actually, to learn about life you have to be part of it. you have to cry, scream, cursed and whatever stuff. it is not a must thing to do, but occasionally you will. example for me. i had being through a rough time in my school and at home. nearly being slap by own father because of someone tell bad stuff about me. when i flash back about it, all you can do is smile. what i can do about my love life is smile and enjoy with whoever i'm being with. giving my trust to tell story about me is very hard. i cry because of my mistake, i laugh because of it, i smile because i know what did is so stupid and dumb. look, you can escape all those mistake but you don't know what's coming next. what comes around goes around. what i did to those boys i ever known, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i cheat behind your back. i'm sorry i lied. and also thanks for being part of it. i can tell story from my experience and what i had learn from it. for this year, i got awangku haziq asyraf. hope he is the one. you just have to take that risk whether you like it or not. ;)

cigarette

hello people! i just found out that the girl we use to fight about, he got feeling's towards her. that's why he worried when the girl enter somebody group. fuck you. haha. what's the story behind the title are i use to smoke that's why i shisha. using shisha i stop smoking. why? there's a night when my cousin bring us to wp, i spon shisha. he just drive. haha. i was so dumb i smoke and also shisha. stupid right. and then, i came back home, i puke. it's really disgusting.yuukk! 

i start to smoke when i was in form 2 i guess. i smoke and i stop and i smoke again. for that time, i really couldn't stop. until i was in form 4. form 4, my friend introduce me to shisha. since then, i shisha jak. smoke? no. rarely touch. i smoke because in form 2 i was so CULTURE SHOCKED and i mess up. my name is every where in my school. really bad. i didn't school for about a month i think. i was so ashamed. form 2 i stop escaping class. and in form 3, my smoking habit is become worst. i couldn't stop. for me, smoking really bad for me and the others. i can't prevent the others to smoke while i used to smoke. for short, if i got prob i smoke. but, it was the old me. 

the new me, shisha? sometimes. smoke? no. yeay for me. but the bad inside me is PENDENDAM. sometimes i keep quiet and daydream, i think of something that really making me cry. the person that i need is my close grandma. but, she passed away when i still young. until now, if i see her grave even talking about her, i still cry. besides my mom, the person that i trust is my grandma. 

my trust and my hopes towards someone is really hesitate. means that, i don't know if i'm giving the trust and hope they keep it real. i smile because wanna look happy. not sad. every smile got a thousands meanings love.