NEW LIFE AS A STUDENT

Well, it' has been awhile I didn't write in my blog. So, here goes nothing. Nothing new but just hear me out. Alright? I am now studying at University Linton as being well known as College Lagenda. Located at Mantin, Negeri Sembilan. Never heard a place call Mantin? I know. Never heard of it. Mantin located so far a way from town, beach. And being near with Nigerian and what-so-ever stuff. For the first few weeks, it's like a miserable time for me since I haven't knew anyone here except people from Miri. Of course. Then, I knew Wan and Zazu. After that I being introduce to Afiq a.k.a Apek and Ammar. And last, I knew Kerol, Zam and Lembu. And since the, I've been hanging out with them. Like all the time. Feels like family. Well, we are family. You see, they fill my emptiness though. Even though, sometimes I just need my Mom by my side. But, Ammar and Kerol. Ugh! We are like 3 muskeeters. Except 3 muskeeters they are all guys. pfftt~ And now, they are slowly leaving me. I've been crying because they are my closes friends ever. Whenever I'm hungry or I have something on mind but don't know how to express, I always have these guys. Especially Ammar and Kerol. Ammar when it comes to food and Kerol, he has been a brother to me. He always start a conversation. Any kind of conversation. It's like I've known him for years but unfotunately only know him for few weeks. I miss him though. I wanna get your attention here about this guy named Muhammad 'Ammar. Well, for a start. He's from Johor and I kindda being attached to him. LOL He always there and he talks. I mean talking to me about problems. Real problem in life. Not just random stuff but rare stuff. I've been looking for a guy like that. And, as you can see. For me he's handsome from inside and out. I love he's heart. He treat me like my brother, my bestfriend would do. From my imagination. He's so nice to me. And, I don't what happend it just click. Understand. I know I've been changing a lot of guys. And I'm FUCK tired of it. Seriously, I'm getting tired. I think I'm out of topic. Back to the topic, I just kindda sort of maybe might and I'm pretty sure I've found my family here. There's Ammar, Kerol, Zazu, Zam, Wan, Jaja, Nell (always had a fight with her) and Meera. LOL Apa-apa pun, perasaan jiwa bila berada jauh dari keluarga amat dan teramat sunyi. Ko ingat senang ker dok kat bilik je? Buat masa sekarang, senang susah kitaorg masih kekal sama. I Love You, M.A.O. Eh, lain. :)

MUHAMMAD AMARUL BIN ISMAIL

The moment I step into your life, I know I'll be a bitch towards you. I don't why but still there beside me. And me, when I look back I've should have known I would never destroy a boy's love that have been so strong and I let myself being a bitch to you and destroy any hope to you. Giving you hope, giving you the laugh, the tears, the madness, the all the shit happen towards you was wrong. I know it's has been all the way here my fault. I've realize that and I know it's too late to apologize because there's nothing left for me to do to be part of you. Being with you, there's up and down. Being a HORRIBLE girlfriend is the last thing I want to do towards you, my love. I know, all this while you've been crying the tears out of you and I've never been there. I've never take a look at you and say 'You the one that I've been waiting'. No, I just been a horrible girlfriend. All this while, when you ask me to change I would. But, I know my strength. Being apart for miles not there beside you, and I've been throwing you shit and crap blaming everything. But deep inside, the moment I laid my eyes on you you have been the most WONDERFUL boyfriend. Like any dream boyfriend would do. I love you, and I know if you read this it just piece of words. Remember, everything I said in here, whenever I wrote it down here anything, I have been always, ALWAYS from my heart. Never been broken. I can't tell you because I'm ashamed of my attitude towards you. Being so mean and being drove by my ego, it's my lose losing you. Not yours. I know, this is the last thing you want to hear. But like I said, no more excuses. I miss you, I really do. I can't take a peek at your picture because every picture I take, there's a moment. The moment of truth, the moment of everything just being piece of shit. I remember the sound of you when you cry, I remember the sound of your laugh when you are happy. Your voice, if I could hear it once, it brighten my day a lot. Maybe you never noticed, every time you laugh I would stare at your face and smile. I remember the first time we see each other which is at Starbucks, oh God. Whenever you give me stuff, I would cry. I've not good enough for you, love. Never were. Being with you, even though there were fight but we manage to stick it through together. Being with you it's like a married couple having a SUCH wonderful time together and nothing to be bother. Being with you every second is such a memorable thing. Walking out from your life is the most painful stuff that I've gotta to do. Being you known as my BOYFRIEND and me being known as a whore, you gotta know. I'm ashamed. You know you could have been with someone much much better than me. I couldn't bring you the happiness you want. I couldn't bring the smile out of you. And most, I couldn't take care of you. I know I've should tell you earlier but I'm not prepare. Who am I to you in front of people's eye? People call me by horrible name and you, GOD. You so freaking nice. I can't be with you, my love. Seeing you with someone new, better might gonna hurt me, but I deserved it, right? So, last here. I love you. What I meant love, loving you is not a mistake it's my mistake being horrible to you. Thank you Marul, bring the light inside my life and than you, even for awhile you showed up and be the best of the best boyfriend that I've been with. I couldn't cry, so should you. Never cry, my love. Maybe, all this while there's no such thing as ME AND YOU. Just you and someone else. Goodbye, love.

HAPPEN AT NEGERI SEMBILAN

It's really sad when the person you really love, the reason you want to study, the reason that you will coming back for is breaking up with you just because of study. It's really sad. The time that I need him the most, he can just walk out and say 'don't lose hope and I'm letting you go for study reason'. It's really sad. Other than my family, other than my friends, he also the person that turn to when I need someone. It's just, if I knew that he goddamn leaving me. I'm the one that should walk out. It all happen when I reach here and my life, my entire life just freaking change. haih. I couldn't say I miss you, I couldn't say I love you, I couldn't say I need you anymore. And this time, when I really need you. I could beg just to get your help but I'm in shocked that he could. So much for the promise you made, so much for the support. It just so lame when you needed someone and he/she could just walk out. pfffftt~ Now, it is hard for me to go back, to my home town. From facebook to my phone number, I just wanna change. I love my twitter tho. LOL anyway, I need that freaking GODDAMN cigarette. I need my DRUG. I need it so bad.

AMARUL

Seeing me laughing out loud, smiling like a maniac and do stuff. Actually, deep deep inside my heart. I'm still hurt. Yes, you make me happy. But it only last awhile. You make me smile, you make me laugh and the point is, I'm scared. I don't know if I ready for this type of commitment. I met you at a bar. At that time, I know you have your girlfriend. And yet, you told me that you and her are just being a close friend. When I think bout it, if you could do that to her. Why not me? Am I right or wrong? You could do the same towards me. That's why I'm scared. I know, I'm a hot tempered. I looked like I'm defending myself being so mad all the time. I know that, maybe not now. But someday, you'll be leaving. That's why I take the risk to leave you. Let me take all the blame. I'm sorry Marul. I think I'm scared and I'm not ready for any relationship. I'm just having fun alone. I'm enjoying myself alone. I know I love you but I know someday I'm gonna hurt you. Like now, you are crying alone. Well, same here. I can't express how depressing I am about this. I can't hold onto you. I know you can find someone better than me. I can't be some phony bitch. I am what I am. I'm not ready to drag you into my life. I'm not ready. I need you somehow, you just my boyfriend. What I need is I need you to be my brother, my best friend, my soul mate. To be exact, I need you to be a man in my life that can guide me. I'm sorry love.

THE HOPES & THE FRUSTRATION

Unintentionally, it's obviously my fault. I don't know which part but I always play the art that I have to be so defensive, mean, heartless bitch. Yea, I know. What can I say? People make mistake and I did. I did with Marul. I do huge mistake by letting him down. There's a point when we're so lovey dovey kindda thing but the truth is I'M THE MEAN HEARTLESS BITCH. Simple way to tell tho. It's like what frustrating to me, he never mad back at me. He point out my fault and at the end, I'M THE BAD GUY. It's like, hello! Anyone there? God sake. I love him but i don't know. What am I doing now, there's a big chances I'm gonna lost him outta my sight. No, I don't want that to happen. I love him. I do. Who doesn't? LOL It's like when I'm with him. There's two different world. Don't you guys see? ugh! I'm not this perfect girl for him. He deserve someone better. When I'm with him, all I gave to him is MISERY. He said himself. Prove that I gave him so so so much misery. 

MUHAMMAD AMARUL

In my entire life, i've only heard a guy cried and whatsoever. Seen a guy that being so vulnerable. Damn! My heart melt. pfftt. I realize that all this time I've been so harsh and hot tempered on you. I love you, Amarul. I'm sorry I make you cry all this time.

I LOVE YOU MUHAMMAD AMARUL

BAD HABIT 

I have this one tiny habit. Yea, i try to stop tho. But, when i try to stop i began to sick. For short, I'm heavy smoker and addicted to it. 

A SPECIAL FRIEND

For a start i just wanna say sorry for everything. I feel bad tho. I know it's my fault. And it really makes feel guilty. The way i treat you what so ever. I can't like like you. Last time i fell in love with someone younger that me, he's dumping me with someone better. You are young and cute, you can pick any girl you want. Time ride, i really wanna talk to you. But seems like you avoiding me. So, yea~ It really makes me feel like *stupid*. By the way, i love your teddy bear. 

Thanks You, A.A

Flashback :/

MY THOUGHT COUNT

Well, to be exact. Something wrong. Really wrong. First, with my nasir. Yea, i know. I thought he's my everything but no. He just simply left and like seriously, it hurts. It kills me. And this one boy, i thought he's my friend. I open up to him. I tell him the truth but lately, no. Everything gone. No nothing. It just blur. And fixie, i thought having this activity everybody will get around. And like being friends even though we doesn't know them. I just like, i hope too much. I think. What pass just let it pass isn't it? Yea, whatever. And to be honest, something wrong with me. My flu, my cough and other sickness. hahahaha Still sick. I don't know what wrong. yea, real friend stay but the fake one. Hard to tell. I keep that in mind. I rather be like snobbish and arrogant type of attitude. But, the real me, i'm shy but i love being around with friends. It feels like we being needed. Damn~ hahaha like freakishly weird way. lalala~ whatever. I do what i want, i act the way i am. Don't try to change me. But when somebody like giving me advice bout that and those, i tried to do it. But please don't like fuck back stab. Seriously. If you don't like the way i am, speak straight to my face. Seriously, I don't give a damn bout how stupid i act or stupid words that came out from my mouth. I don't care. As long you get the message i try to give, then. It's cool. (Y) aite?

THE CONCLUSION

Sometimes you just can't hope for something that you yourself doesn't know whether i will or will not gonna be yours. You just can't. I've waited for you like a month even though i had crushes. I still waited and hoping that you will coming back. But, at the end. It just another breakdown. It doesn't worth. No matter even i change or whatever it is. No matter how hard i have tried to take you back, it just breaks me down. What you did was the biggest mistake ever. You shouldn't ask me to wait for you. God! It just when i'm trying to fight for someone that i care but i have no chance at all. It just mess. Trash i guess. It just, IT KILLS dude. Even i cried, it wouldn't change the situation. What you did to just now, it just make this situation harder than ever. I LOVE YOU there's no doubt about it. But i can't replied it back to you. You are hers now not mine. I'm sorry NASIR. I know action speaks louder than words. But what else i'm gonna do? Waited for another breakdown? I miss you. I miss the way you hug me, the way you make laugh, the look in your face when you are mad, the kiss. I just miss saying, 'I LOVE YOU, B' 

SOMETIMES IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH

First of all, i just wanna say that I LOVE YOU, MOHAMMAD NASIRUDDIN. But, everything wonderful must come to an end. I can't promised you anything because i don't want any breakdown anymore. I love you but i can't. Not now. After all that had happen, i gave up. GOD! Goddamn! The frustrating taking over me i can't think. damn. What can i say? I love you but i guess we are not meant to be. Shit. Do what you got to do. I'm stepping back. I'm sorry. I can't hope that you will coming back. Turning back to her is a good thing, i guess. Just turn back with her and what she say. pfft. This is stupid. I LOVE YOU. End of story. 

Damn. Do it has to be this way? I'm sorry i called her that. What else i can say? People talk. They talk, i hear. They know like everything bout her. She do this that bla bla bla. I'm so freaking upset i can't barely looking at your face. I'm sorry Nasir. I had to let you go. 

LET THE PICTURE DO THE TALKING

From here, all the memories the adventure the fun all the stuff when a teenager want their life to be remembered. There's a few photos but i tried to dig more. It's started when i got my fixie. I know F.I.X.I.E become this current issue lately. But what the heck. At least i having fun with my friends. At least i got story to tell to my children. HAHA Let the imagination run wild babe. Here goes.

There's all the riders. From the age of 12 until i don't know. Now, M y Y F i x i e have 100++ members. I'm so proud of them ;D

Here's some of us. The photographer is the newest member at that time. 

Uned, Safuaan and Fiqri. I guess.

Nadia and Zaty Jaret ;D

Naser and Zaty. Akibat hujan lebat melanda, ya mcm ya muka. HAHAHA

Mael and Liyana. Muka yana main peranan.

All the picture i shown, i shows that All The Riders Don't Give A Shit what people gonna think. We enjoy our life not ruining it. We run free. Other than smoking, chilling, telling someone bout our sad story. We ride just to get loose. So, think before you judge the riders. Every riders have their own story. Alright?

SAY IT OUT LOUD AND CLEAR

Who doesn't miss their ex's? I do and i admit. Hard for me to let him go. I've tried everything. I even mess him get into a fight with him. Well, it didn't work aren't they. F*ck! How he do that? Easy to forget me? Jeez! All the words he says, all the promised? GODDAMN IT! God, he's good. F*ck! He's young and dumb. Kidding. Look, when i being left alone let me be by myself. I cried alone. Every smile got their own story. Every tears drop got their own reason. Every laugh got their own fun. Every thing happens for a reason. But it's just so fast. HAHAHAH I know. I'm dumb. 

On 22 November 2011, i know him since i don't know when. And seriously i only heard about him from my sister. hihihihi He like close to my sister end up with me. Sort of kind of. I sort of have this huge crush on him. Maybe he know or don't know, but it's hard to believe i fall for him. He's getting more, i don't know what else to say. I miss hanging out with him tho. Who's he? Let it be my little secret. Alright? 

HAPPIEST DAY ANY GIRL COULD HAVE

People says that picture describe better than words. Here's little bit of my family, friends, crushes, FANATIC Malaysia Fan's and any teenage girl or boy wouldn't wanted their to be more incredible, spectacular and out words day. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA kan meliat gambar2 atu, lawa juga kan? Lepas meliat Malaysia lawan pergi DragonBall. Atu cerita nya bermula. Jeng jeng. HAHAHAHAHA ada rupa lost. Nangga gmba atas tang bagus jak rupa. Nok lain, HERAAANN aku. Lost rupa ngembak hati sukk Malaysia menang. HAHAHAHA

MOHAMMAD NASIRUDDIN PART I

Seriously, i might thinking of turning back to him and there's some point i don't want to. But he's like in my every sweet memory. The part that i can't forget is when i sleep in his arm. Just watching him sleep it makes me feel comfortable. And what sucks is, i might lay down my ego and just ask him to be mine again but everything change. Look, maybe it's my fault keep looking at his personal account. It become a habit and i can't stop stalking him. I know it's lame but what else can i do? There's a part of my heart still with him. I don't know if he has the same feeling like i do. I miss him, i miss everything bout him. He just pop in and pop out from my life. For a second there, i cry when i look at those picture. What's left in my blog is my profile picture with him. I love put in stuff in my blog when it comes to his part. It just i'm not afraid to move on but i'd like to move on with him. Not without him. It's my biggest mistake letting him go. I don't fucking care what he did or say, i just want to explore this world with him. It sucks when you have done so may stuff with him like shopping, meeting with his parents, talking to his mom bout him and you're like close to his family member. I was like, i know my mistake and i'm sorry. I don't know if anyone gonna read this. It just i'm speechless, naser. I can't stop thinking bout you but you can stop thinking bout me. Like you say, your problem is not mine anymore. you are not my girlfriend. I know when i go wrong towards you and i hurt your feeling. But you never gonna fight for me? Am i right? How can i say good bye to you? I wanna say and never look back but it's hard! Fuck hard. 

The Initial M.N

Here a lil' bit about him. He's actually my ex-boyfriend. I cheated behind him. I was so dumb back then. It was like pre-culture shock thing. HA HA HA Look,the main point is, i wanna say sorry towards him after what i have done towards him back then. He was in form 1 and i was in form 3. What to be shame of? Love doesn't count age. I don't care how old he is. What i know is that i love him. End of the story. The funny thing is that he sounds like a kid, he act like a kid, he's sensitive and what differentiate him and me is that he's advance everything than me. That i can be embarrassed about. What do girls say about boys? He make my heart melt. He's doing it with me. He's so awkward in every way but every cloud have their silver lining do they? So do him. Everything he do or so whatever sure do make me laugh. Because he look so cute and adorable. He look so comfy and safe. The important is if search for name in Facebook, the first name will come out is his name. The picture i'm looking the first thing in the morning is him, wearing his necklace. If can, i wanna do everything with him not without him. Like in the movie 'Its Love. Legend of the White Snake' The woman say to this man that has nothing no money no looks 'If we always be together, i don't know what suffering' and there's a song. The lyrics say 'I vow to live only for you' All i wanted is to be with him not far across the universe without him. I know he's young but i have to take the risk do i? Not now, but someday someone that we loved now gonna leave you, right? It's everyone saying it to be. I have to take the chance. He's young and there's a lot of hot young girls he can choose from. All i can do is enjoy the moment that i can spent with him. Seriously, he sure make me taken somewhere somehow. I'm glad you came 

START WITH A CRY

i know something is wrong. HAHAHA. nice. a text from andy 1.35 am

andy : You pun clubbing ka ? Im w him now. So friendly ho

me (5.02 am) : who pegi clubbing?

kakya, aku alert dgan phone. ku x alah2 pike hal ya. ku dah nyumpah andy. *cibai fuck semua la. the there's call. the number looks for damn familiar. guess what! HIS M-0-T-H-E-R called me like 6.30 AM. 

mak : hello.

me : hello.
mak : tauk sapa tok ka? *sora kdk bgong

me : x tauk.
mak : tok mak nasir.
me : ou. okay. *huh?

mak : tauk cne nasir?
me : x tauk. mek pike nya d rumah mlam tdik.
mak : nya xda dgan ktak ka mlam tdik?

me : xda.

mak : nya dri malam tdik xda balit dri rumah. 

me : -_____________________________-

mak : last tak jumpa nya blia? 

me : time skolah jak. kakya xda gik jumpa.

mak : nya slalu kluar dgan spa?

me : slalu mun sal fixie, ayum. *otak blank

mak : forward num cdak ya lok.

me : mek xda num nya. em, lak mek cuba kol kol nya. lak mek cuba crik num kwn nya k?

mak : kmk udah kol nya dri malam tdik. xda ans2. *bunyi nangis

me : mek cuba crik nya. *ngis mode

mak : okay. makseh.

op tepon. prasaan marah. about 6.55 am i called andy.

me : u pegi balcony mlam tdik?

andy : yes. why?

me : u tauk cne him now?

andy : no. i followed him last night smpe area balcony. i didn't touch him.

me : ugh! *ngis balit

andy : it's ur boyfriend. u should know.

me : i don't care about him. what i care is that is mom crik and she's crying.

andy : why do u care about her?

me : *fuck la andy

andy : ada mata2 kat cia. he bg brang to my friend. 

me : *now i'm speechless* ugh! fuck. thank you andy.

that's how i start my day. with a cry and with a shocking news. YEAY! i'm loving it. it's so fun.  

NOT DUMB NEITHER STUPID

maybe it was my fault or maybe it was their fault. what i know i what i wrote here. texting with nasir and the mirul called. i ask what the heck is happening. this is what he answer me and what i heard very loud and clear. THAT WAS AN ACT! well, bravo to them. is was very convincing. yes, i cried. fucked to those that are perfectly helpful to the break up scene. yes! i'm so lovin' it and i wanna do it again. pfftt! 

IS MY FEELING BEING COUNT?

how? what? why? always be a questions in my head. why i can't be happy for just a moment. i'm superb happy when acey ask for return. super fucking happy. and accurately 3.00 pm he let me go. AGAIN! why? only GOD knows why. bia jak. he do the right thing. he fight with his own friend. paham paham jak. okay? wanna know how FOR GOD'S SAKE my FUCKING feeling? first, in my head i was like yeay! his mine again. then, this thing ruined. and NOOO! his not mine again. for this few days, if someone give me sedozen cigarette i surely can finish this one whole day. i was like so fucking stress out and my thought killing someone for my pleasure. HAHAHA. i curse or i swear to someone not gonna worth. i wish my cousin here right here right now take me go someone that really calms me down. this whole messed just fucked up. i need to kill someone now. hit someone very hard until my anger gone and my problem solve. i was like so fucked up! jeez! GO TO HELL! I WISH I NEVER KNOW WHAT THE HECK LOVE IS & WHAT BOYFRIEND USED FOR! GO FUCKING STRAIGHT TO HELL!

MY HEART BELONGS TO YOU

pffftttt. haha. lame title ya. madefak. HAHA. mcm tok jak la. pendek crita. ku syang nya. bena2 ku syang nya. i made a wrong judgement about him. and it's my fucking fault. aku buat hal kecik jadi besar besar. bodo kan? bia jak la. ku tauk aku buat silap, aku mtak maap. good night. it has been tearing day.